Short version: zomgwtfbbq.

Long version: zomgwtfbbq (times infinity)

In all seriousness, great flic. I walked in with zero expectations or even hopes for the movie. But wow.

I’ve never been a big FF fan, with the X4 mini and Ultimate FF runs being the only recent exceptions. The FF origin story was expertly told with very little meddling with canon. The cast melded perfectly and everyone played their roles with precision. Julian McMahon shows some serious acting chops as Doc Doom and Michael Chiklis captured the broody Thing persona as if he had lived the role his entire life. The article about him in a recent Maxim lends me to believe the nightmarish make-up ordeal he had to go through every morning for the part gave him no end of inspiration. They spared no expense making Sue Storm into a sexpot, but with Jessica Alba playing the part it’d be hard not to. Relative newcomer Chris Evans did a good job playing the Torch, the relationship between he and the Thing was executed well. Interesting how the two strongest performances came from the folks who have their own shows on FX… plug: Watch the Shield and nip/tuck or your life will indeed be forfeit.

The movie is pretty predictable, but then again all comic movies should be given that they’re usually not original works to begin with. It’s not as if you didn’t know how Spider-Man would end. Marvel has definately set up another strong franchise. If they can figure out a way to bring FF-class baddies into a good story in the next movie remains to be seen, there’s only so many times you can dip into the Doom well, and I don’t think Galactus translates well to Joe Average.

The movie is ridiculously funny, I can’t count how many times the entire theater burst into laughter at honest to goodness funny moments. Not *groan* how lame, or kick-in-the-nuts schlock either – Actual humor. Kudos to the writing staff and the actors for acing the execution.

Oh, before I forget: They’re making a sequel to The Transporter… I’m not exactly sure what to make of that. Personally I enjoyed the first one, but I’m infamous for collecting shitty movies. The screenplay was written by Luc Beson. Which gives me hope as he did the original as well. Again – I liked the 5th Element too, so take that all with a heaping large grain of salt.

Last night I was able to see the latest Marvel page-to-screen adaptation. As the title suggests it was The Punisher and, well, me rikey.

Note: For title complaints please see DiscoKid of #p2p “fame” (sorcery.net).

Thomas Jayne plays the title character facing off against his arch nemesis played by John Travolta. Rebecca Romijn (now single) and Laura Harring “round” out the cast. Yes, yes, I skipped a few people, but you shouldn’t need more info after Rebecca and Laura. For those of you cinematically deficient she was 1/2 of the most glorious sammich ever (with Naomi Watts) in Mulholland Drive.

The movie starts off fairly slowly, giving neophytes to the world of Frank Castle a chance to acclimate and get their bearings before it wades into the good stuff. We begin with a blonde Castle as an undercover officer brokering an arms deal in a FBI sting. The plan is that Castle will be “killed” by the feds during the deal giving his character a clean exit from the operation. The plan goes south when one of the crooks loses it and opens fire on the police. We learn that this (now dead) man is the son of John Travolta’s character and wealthy banker/mafia don/crime lord/etc. Needless to say he’s not pleased. He does what any good crime lord does and learns the identity and location of Castle and sends his troops to eliminate him along with a special request from his ravishing wife – “kill his family”.

We cut through some touchy-feely stuff to a family reunion of Castle?s family hosted by his father, the Captain of the SeaQuest, Roy Schnider. We see the black-clad forces approach the 30-strong party with Castle and his father in the house looking over some conveniently placed weaponry. Fast-forward and everyone save Castle and his wife and son are dead. They flee, pursued by the remaining baddies pursued by Castle himself. Let?s just say it ends badly.

The remainder of the movie his Castle exacting a special kind of vengeance punishment for the crime. I spent a lot of time on the exposition because I plan to breeze through the rest of the movie rather quickly. A considerable amount of information would be lost in the translation. Castle wades through the hit-men and muscle Travolta sends his way and sets up detailed revenge scheme resulting in Travolta himself killing his best friend and wife for cheating.

The plot after the initial exposition is silly. Quite frankly it?s my only real beef with this movie. Frank Castle, The Punisher, is not about elaborate plots or tricky bullshit. He?s about death; however that?s accomplished is not a matter for much forethought. The only scene that lived up to this was the long brawl with a Russian assassin at the halfway point. The fights before and after were simply eye-candy and gunplay.

It?s fitting that this movie was released the same week as the Kill Bill v1 DVD and the same day as Kill Bill v2 ? they are all nasty gore-fest-slasher-flics gone amok. It?s good shit, but be prepared.

A few things to note: We saw the movie in the AMC theater in one of the Milwaukee Mayfair mall. It was expansive, clean and a most excellent experience. The seats could have reclined like in my beloved Marcus, but generally speaking they were dandy. I had no idea that you could see a movie and have food DELIVERED. The only knock I have against said theater is that it suffers from the same wussy attitude regarding children in movies that shouldn?t have children in them.

PROTIP: DO NOT BRING YOUR TWO FUCKING TODDLERS TO A MOVIE THAT IS LUCKY TO ONLY BE RATED R YOU STUPID WHORE.

Despite feeling like absolute shit today (and calling in sick) I did manage to go see Daredevil, read on true believers.

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